Single Motherhood: The Exception… Not The Rule

Last week I held a workshop for parents at a local elementary school in Chicago.  The workshop was about building and maintaining the self-esteem of African-American girls based on my new book “12 Ways to Improve the Self-Esteem of African-American Girls”.  The book was written to offer advice to parents, teachers, school administrators, or anyone who has direct regular contact with young women, on ways to increase  their self-esteem.  This particular workshop was attended entirely by single moms.  I have to say that after the conversation I realized why many girls suffer from low self-esteem…they are being raised by women who have low self-esteem.  Single motherhood is taking a serious toll on many African-American women, leaving their children very vulnerable to many societal ills.

Single motherhood is a huge issue in the African-American community.  According to the U.S. Census Bureau 60% of African-American households are headed by single women.  Sixty percent of households headed by a single African-American woman…WTF?  That means that the emotional, mental, spiritual, financial, educational, and physical needs of millions of African-American children fall on the shoulders of one person.  What an incredible responsibility for one person to bear.  What happens to the spirits and souls of women who have such an incredible amount of responsibility, who often have limited resources?

I have witnessed many a young black woman with several children in tow, looking all kinds of stressed, depressed, and tired.  I have taught many parenting classes over the years attended by nothing but single moms.  Some of these women in their 20’s with 3 or more children by different men.  I often ask myself if you already were having a tough time with one, why have three?  Many times I have seen these moms lose it and subject their children to physical, emotional, and verbal abuse.   I don’t know if they are doing this because they are mean and evil people, or that they are frustrated and tired…and at that point their kids become easy targets.  If you are single, poor, undereducated, living in urban America surrounded by violence on a daily basis, your fuse might be a little short. 

There are many single moms who are doing an outstanding job.   They either let the pregnancy motivate them to achieve or their single motherhood was brought on by divorce and they decided to make the most of  a difficult situation.  Some of these women have access to more resources that lower-income women may not.  Either way they are great mothers raising phenomenal children.  Many of these women have a “village” helping raise their children, including  positive males.  But even these women will tell you that single motherhood is not an optimal circumstance.

Single motherhood in and of itself is not a bad thing…but it shouldn’t be the rule.  Children need both of their parents and while I realize that sometimes this is not possible, it should be the goal.  Ladies stop having babies by every man you meet…for that matter stop having sex with every man you meet.  I have met countless young women who had sex with men and didn’t even know their last names, where they resided, or how he liked his eggs.  If you don’t know the answers to these questions, why on earth are you having sex or kids with him.

Single motherhood has been normalized and accepted on certain class tiers in our communities.  The interesting thing is that those class tiers have the least resources and the most liabilities to offer the children.  We all know that most children being raised by single moms without resources have increased chances of educational, emotional, and mental difficulties.  It has been found through varied research that children in single-parent homes generally fare worse than those homes with two parents.  And while this is not always the case, it is more often than not.

Problems found in the single-parent households may not be because of the parent who raised these children, but can be linked to other things that are also related to single parenting. It has been pointed out that when there is only one parent, the family is often less well off financially and this is the main reason for so many family problems. Reports show that the effects of coming from a low-income family can include things like lower education levels, lower economic achievement and can result in leaving the child feeling isolated and lonely. Being a single parent and struggling for money often coincide. It is also true that children of one-parent households are generally less supervised, their actions are less monitored and there is usually less communication between the child and parent. It would appear that being a part of a single-parent household indicates a negative family environment.

Children benefit from the balance of two involved parents.  I am not going to advocate for or against marriage here, I am advocating for the love and support of the two people who created the children.  Ladies let’s make better choices and create situations where children can thrive and function at their highest levels. If you are a single mom please realize the importance of self-care.  You cannot care for others without first caring for yourself.  Seek out a “village” that includes positive males to influence the lives of your children.  If you already have one or two children, please consider the consequences of having anymore as a single parent.  Invest in a birth control method or abstinence to prevent making your life more difficult.  Single motherhood should be the exception and not the rule!

Lisa Butler is the Founder and President of BlackGurl Inc. a consulting company dedicated to the empowerment of African American women and girls.  BlackGurl Inc. employs workshops, seminars, and group support services to empower the lives of young women.  Lisa is also the author of 12 Ways To Improve the Self Esteem Of African American Girls Right Now!  Go now to www.blackgurlinc.com/ or follow us on twitter

Is That A Weave? The Good Hair Chronicles

A few weeks ago one of my good friends posted a Facebook status about an experience she had with a perfect stranger. While attending the funeral of a 40 something woman who had lost her battle with cancer(how ironic),  some random guy(jerk) told her that her hair was too short and that his wife wouldn’t have made it two weeks if she had cut her hair that short.  Now I don’t know if this statement meant that he would have divorced her for cutting her hair, however considering his ignorance she probably would be better off.  My friend was taken aback by his insulting statement and stood there pondering what he meant by the wouldn’t have made it two weeks comment.  She posted this on Facebook and received a fair amount of comments from other African American women.  Comments like,”are men still hung up on hair”, “girl don’t worry about it, he is just ignorant’, and my own comment of “what?”  Much value is placed on the length and texture of women’s hair, especially it seems in the African American community. For those of you who are not familiar with the term ”good hair” it means hair that is naturally straight without the use of chemicals(relaxers).  So not only is there value placed on the length of one’s hair, the texture is also very important.   The question is why?

In my life hair has always been a fashion accesory…meaning its run the gamut from super, super, short to hanging down my back(thanks to Indi Remy 14′ 1B)thats weave for those who don’t know.  My only real hair requirement is low maintainance, meaning I need to spend less than 20 minutes styling it.  However,  I do realize for some of us, hair or more specifically long hair is deeply connected to our self esteem and our perceptions of beauty.  We have accepted the Western ideal that long, straight hair is inextricably tied to femininity, beauty, and grace.  Even the bible characterizes a woman’s hair as her “glory”.  No wonder the black hair business generates over nine billion dollars according to Chris Rock’s upcoming documentary, “Good Hair”.  The black hair business is recession proof, because no matter how damn bad it gets sisters will be getting their hair done.

I cannot count the number of times I have been told by young women participating in BlackGurl Inc. workshops,  that working out is out of the question because of their hair.  “I cannot swim, run, or do anything that will jeopardize my hairdo”.  Many of them tell me stories of sleeping with their heads hanging off the bed in an effort to maintain a hairstyle.  WTF? .  I am always dismayed by these stories because they indicate how deeply rooted this issue has become in our community.   Diabetes, high blood pressure, and many other chronic conditions are birthed because we refuse to exercise…hair or health?    What is wrong with this picture? 

My mom was diagnosed with early stage Triple Negative breast cancer last Spring.  One of her major concerns was the chemo side effect of hair loss…never mind that she was dealing with one of the deadliest forms of breast cancer affecting women of African descent.  Her baldness caused her much trepidation and she wouldn’t allow her own husband to see her bald head.  So even in a struggle for life the issue of hair takes center stage…WOW!  This incident really made me understand how seriously hair is tied to some Black women’s self esteem and self-regard.   FYI, my mom is now cancer free, thank GOD!

The standard of beauty in this country and probably the world is a long haired blond, stick thin, big breasted, white woman.  Where do African American women fit into this standard…no where!  So we grab hold of the part we can emulate and that is the hair.  Weave, braids, wigs, and hair pieces have allowed many Black women access to shoulder length and beyond hair.  African American men, for the most part find long hair very attractive and associate it with femininity and beauty and are adamant in their disdain for short hairstyles.  Does whats under the hair matter at all?  For the record I have girlfriends that are naturally long-haired and some have made the courageous decision to sport short hair.  Many women who wear short hair styles will tell you that they get some very interesting comments from Black men and women.  It’s as if short hair is an affront to many in our community.

The gentleman who voiced his unintelligent opinion to my girlfriend had no idea that not only does she have an MBA from one fo the most prestigious business schools in the U.S.(Northwestern University), she is also kind, generous, compassionate, funny, and an overall wonderful human being.  His comments reduced her to nothing more than “the protein filament” that grows on top of her head.  His actions speak to the need for consciousness raising in our communities.  India Arie’s “I Am Not My Hair” created an anthem for the  Black woman’s resistance strategy to the hair issue, yet even those of us who loved and felt liberated singing this song quickly resorted back to the status quo.  It is clear that some of us feel like whatever is attractive to unconscious and unevolved men is exactly what they will choose to do…no matter the cost, message to younger women, and denial of self . 

Every African American woman has a right to do whatever she wants with her hair…I am asking that we delve deeper into the politics of our hair issues.  Why do we associate long, straight hair with our attractiveness?  What about self-actualization and the examination of the non-black and black constructs that created this nonsense?  How do our attitudes about hair impact African American girls and young women?  If our hair is super kinky and short, are we somehow less desirable and less valuable? Do we really want men in our lives that are shallow and ignorant enough to make the length and texture of our hair the litmus test of our attractiveness?  I really want anyone reading this blog to think about those questions, because your answers will undoubtedly measure your level of consciousness.   ”Good hair” is having some hair on your head, period.  And to that lost brother down in Georgia , who insulted my friend I say, GYST(get your shit together)!

First Date Blues! Be True To Thine Self

This week I have a Guest Blogger…One of my best friends on the planet, Ms. Rhoda Palmer!  This is her personal account about a recent blind date that I found extremely empowering…I hope you feel the same!  Enjoy…

Thoughts about my weekend blind date -  I have come to realize that who we are on a date is vastly different than the person we truly represent.   

Day one- I wanted to make a good impression so I wore a conservative suit, perfume,   I walked gracefully in 4 inch heels, adorned myself in more make-up than usual, and glossed and tossed my hair.

The question is, why do we care that someone won’t accept us if their acceptance is based purely on appearance?     

Since the final date, I have been uneasy and a bit annoyed because after all that effort, I don’t know if the guy thought that I was cute, sexy or fat.  I walked away from the date only knowing that within a 20 cumulative “hour” date, he would have had sex with me; had I been willing!  Are dating hours calculated like dog years???

On day two – I too, enjoyed the initial kiss and the kisses thereafter that sent waves of intensity throughout my body. The rhythm was quickening, my breath became shallow and deepening in paralleled moments. My defenses softened while my body cravings grew taller…intoxicated by the libations of tribal passion, somewhere in my conscious mind, something said… NO!   

 In dating, some people want the quick hit, others desire more.  In this case, I desired more.  I enjoyed him because I thought that he possessed kindness, care and the ability to converse easily and intellectually about most subjects, he had modest masculinity – slightly feminine gestures, and well preserved looks, but I needed to know more about him. 

He seemed guarded about his family and protective of his soul.  However, he was more than willing to shed his clothing and commence to the physical ACT of intimacy.  What is intimacy if I haven’t joked about your middle name, if I don’t know your favorite color, or your most embarrassing moment?  How can you strip, touch, lick, insert, grind and moan if you don’t know the measure of my heart and the depth of my character much less talked about what makes me laugh and tingle or the location of my titillating fun spots?            

I championed a cause greater than myself this weekend because I realized the power of my soul’s desire outweighed the power of my sexual proclivity.

Clearly, I want to know more about someone before I embark upon a physical encounter.  We hadn’t talked about whether he was strictly heterosexual or bisexual or whether he enjoys being chained down and tripped or peed upon.  As intimate as sex is, the exposure of my sacred desires; a mental and physical culmination of my feelings about someone, am I ready for that in two dates?  The act of entering into my sacred territory unequivocally must be more than a two-night quest.

What I realize more than ever is that I didn’t get a divorce to have meaningless/random sex, I got divorced in order to have an opportunity for a meaningful relationship with a guy that is morally sound, self-evolved, and prepared for an adult mature relationship with great sex as one of the perks.

If I ever go on another blind date, I must remember to realize that rejection is a major possibility but only for the greatest opportunity to be realized at perhaps a different meeting.  Dating takes practice; practice to know your character and to honor your spirit in every sizzling situation.  Dating is much different than any other encounter because we want to make a good impression and we want to be liked, I am still in a state of shock of it all.

In the future, flash card reminders are necessary to remind myself that people and experiences are designed so that you can confirm for yourself that, “you are – who you say you are!!!”  Our encounters and meetings become meaningful tools because they are opportunities to demonstrate your alignment with your values.      Dating is a powerful thing, the buildup, the let down, and then, the release of it all is enough to set your emotions in a tailspin!

We must take the risk, test the water, and have faith that what we need in a companion is just around the corner; it literally means allowing oneself to be vulnerable. 

Women like me want a partner in life and are willing to do the work to accomplish that even if it means testing moral boundaries and challenging our insecurities while knowing and believing by faith that true companionship and unconditional love is totally worth waiting for.

 

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. Marianne Williamson

Lisa Butler is the Founder and President of BlackGurl Inc. a consulting company dedicated to the empowerment of African American women and girls.  BlackGurl Inc. employs workshops, seminars, and group support services to empower the lives of young women.  Lisa is also the author of 12 Ways To Improve the Self Esteem Of African American Girls Right Now!  Go now to www.blackgurlinc.com/ or follow us on twitter

The Marriage Question? African American Women Perpetually Single!

Suddenly there is one topic dominating the conversations of many in our community.  I must admit that this topic is one that I speak about almost daily in my personal conversations.  This topic creates joy, pain, angst, passion, disdain, hope, fear, love, hate, resignation, disappointment, and hot debate.  If you haven’t guessed(did you read the title)by now the topic is MARRIAGE.  And specifically marriage in the African American community.  Why does this topic lend itself to all of the above mentioned emotions?  Why have African American marriage rates dwindled since the 60’s?  Why won’t black men pop the question as often as men of other races? And finally is the institution of MARRIAGE still relevant and viable in our community?

Ask any middle class African American single woman over thirty why she isn’t married and you are likely to hear the same answer…ain’t no decent men.  I recognize that I just killed the Kings English…however thats probably the answer you will get no matter how educated the sister might be.  Marriage is something most of us who are in our 30’s, 40’s and 50’s assumed we would be…hell its almost an expectation embedded in our genetic code.  Most American girls, no matter your race or religion are raised with the expectation that Prince Charming will arrive and in this post industrial capitalist society when he does arrive it will be with a 3 or 4 carat diamond on a platinum band…excuse me, that just might be my fairy tale.  Never did we dream that middle age would find us husbandless…much less touted as the “most unpartnered people on the planet”.  Sad, but statistically true.  African American women are spending lots of time wondering “Where is the Love?”

It hasn’t always been this way, this phenomenon didn’t start until the mid 60’s.  Before that marriage rates for African Americans   were on par with other races.  We believed in getting married, having children, and building strong communities as couples.  Many African American men took great pride in creating nuclear families and proudly encouraged their offspring to do the same.  However,  at some point marriage rates began to decline and there is no real explanation as to why.  I personally believe it could have been attributed to several reasons including,  the pressures of integration/assimilation, the women’s movement, the proliferation of drug trafficking and use in our communities, and  the rise in the un-employment of African American men.  Or was it something else?  Did the increase in the  number of educated and upwardly mobile women,  who were not buying the patriarchal model being sold by religion and the mainstream,  intimidate our men right on out the door?  Did African American women’s ” I work and make as much or more money than you” attitude send brothers marriage proposals running?  There is no clear answer, but what we know for sure is that Marriage became less appealing and the numbers have moved in a downward spiral ever since.

If the patriarchal model allowed a woman to ask for the mans hand in marriage, it is certain that this probably wouldn’t be an issue.  Men are the one’s usually “popping the question” yet  lately less African American men are opting to do so.  Why?  I have heard every excuse from my African American male friends about why they are not getting married.  The excuses run the gamut from acceptable to down right ignorant.  And truthfully most of what I hear borders on lunacy, things like “once we get married the sex will stop”, “if we get divorced she will take me to the cleaners”, “I need to build my empire first”, and last but not least “too many women, not enough time”.  Wait a minute, isn’t marriage suppose to be about building family and wealth?  Marriage plans shouldn’t be predicated on perpetual hot sex and thoughts of divorce.  On a side note I do believe that the hip hop culture’s glorification of a hedionistic sexual lifestyle, the deliberate breakdown of our communities, and African American men choosing to marry outside their race more than any other group hasn’t helped our marriage rates.

Marriage was sold to most women as “the prize”, however based on the divorce rates in this country, 65% to 70%, not only is it not the prize it has turned into a nightmare.  To me any marriage based on the patriarchal model is doomed to fail. That model was based on the man being the sole provider and the woman staying home raising the kids.  Clearly, this model wasn’t built with African Americans in mind, because staying at home was never a viable option for most of us.  Most women in America work and contribute equally to the household, so the whole idea that the man is “the head” doesn’t fly.  Patriarchy has wreaked havoc in many a home and in some cases has created opportunities for abuse.  Anytime control and power is given to one person in a home, the subjugation of the others becomes more likely.

Marriage is an institution that requires two people to join their lives and try to create a life together.  To me it requires the committment of two people to common goals and the will to extend one’s self for the spiritual growth of the other.  The institution of marriage can still be a viable one.  I think that the old model of marriage is what needs to be challenged and re-thought, because it simply doesn’t work.  Ladies, stop putting all the emphasis on getting married and focus more on being emotionally, spiritually, financially, and mentally healthy.  Men, stop worrying about how much sex you can have and start focusing on being emotionally, spiritually, financially, and mentally healthy.  If both people are operating from a place of wholeness, then MARRIAGE or any partnership has a better chance of survival.   Marriage requires two people who are willing to work hard at staying together not thinking about divorce as soon as the other person pisses you off.  Men, marriage is not about the subjugation of the woman, it should be about her and your empowerment.  Ladies, stop blaming men for everything that goes wrong in relationships, you have issues too. 

Being happily single is a lot better than being badly married…think about it!

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Lisa Butler is the Founder and President of BlackGurl Inc. a consulting company dedicated to the empowerment of African American women and girls.  BlackGurl Inc. employs workshops, seminars, and group support services to empower the lives of young women.  Lisa is also the author of 12 Ways To Improve the Self Esteem Of African American Girls Right Now!  Go now to www.blackgurlinc.com/ or follow us on twitter.

Neffie and Frankie…NOT!

Well, Well, Well, I just finished viewing the first episode of Frankie and Neffe on BET thanks to my best friend Kese.  As I sat there watching this train wreck I kept saying to myself, why?  How on earth did these two ever get a  forum for such dysfunctional nonsense?  Why have they become the new Steppin Fetchit?  Why is Black Entertainment Television so willing to portray African American women in the worst possible light?  And last but not least, does this program sanction the “keeping real” phenomenon that basically gives credence to being as ignorant and crass as one can be?  These questions rested heavy on my heart as I continued to watch.

We were first introduced to Frankie and Neffe in Season 1 of the Keyshia Cole’s reality show “The Way It Is”.  Frankie, Keyshia’s mom who had been on drugs for most of her adult life , was serving time in prison and Neffe, her sister, was in the middle divorcing her three daughters father while struggling with an alcohol addiction.  Frankie, the mother of seven children, none of whom she actually raised due to her crack addiction, represents many nameless faceless victims of the crack epidemic in Urban America .  Neffe is the prototype of “Ghetto Girl”,  loud, ignorant and very volatile.  However, I do believe these women recognize the need for change in their lives, which prompts them to seek counseling.

But the problem is that BET seems to focus more on the dysfunction of these two women, rather than their work for change.  Many scenes in Season 2 are of Frankie and Neffe fighting and cursing in front of Neffe’s children, making the viewers shake our heads in disgust for those poor babies.  Neffe is angry with Frankie for not being a good mother and Frankie is angry with Neffe for not forgiving her and moving on.  Clearly these are moments that should be played out privately between mother and daughter.  BET seems to think that this unhealthiness is another way to win the ratings game.

Airing negative images of African American women is nothing new for BET.  They relish portraying us in the most denigrating and disparging  manner and putting it out there for the world to see.  Even recently going so far as to  showing pre-teen girls dancing on stage at the BET Awards to LiL Wayne’s Fu?? Every Girl in the World travesty of a rap song.  Ms. Debra Lee, the HNIC at BET, unapologetically co-signs this nonsense because her paychecks keep coming and the community hasn’t demanded accountability.  And now we have the Frankie & Neffe show to add insult to injury. I watched in horror as Manny, Keyshia’s manager tries to find ways to market these two women for profit.  He offers Frankie an opportunity to interview for an on-air personality position at V103.   WTF?  I guess “Holla” and “Man Down” can fill a couple hours of radio time.

Frankie & Neffe represent what I call the glorification and acceptance of the status quo in Urban America…poverty, drug addition, under education, unprotected sex, nihilism, violence, and unfettered anti-intellectualism.  BET viewers can relate to this nonsense because it is woven into the very fabric of Urban Life.  They don’t understand or care that these images counter all of the work, sacrifices, and accomplishments of  many African American women past and present. Do we want young women aspiring to behave like these two completely unhealthy women?  What is inspiring about this show?  What message does it send to young women who  may find themselves in similar situations?

 Frankie & Neffe do not represent any women that I know personally and while that may sound elitist…its just the plain truth.  I want Frankie and Neffe to go away and work on their many issues without subjecting us to the buffoonery.  I want BET to get a damn conscious and stop serving up programming that sets African Americans back 60 years.  I want Debra Lee to stop throwing African American women under the bus for the sake of capitalism and getting “PAID”!  I want every conscious African American woman who reads this blog to contact BET and tell them to stop this foolishness right NOW!  BET’s contact info is located below.

BET Networks

1235 West Street, NE

Washington D.C. 20018-1211

1-800-711-1630 or 1-202-608-2000

Our babies deserve better.

Keeping It Real,

L

FINALLY!

Recently Gordon Brown, British Prime Minister, and Madame Secretary Hillary Clinton declared the rights of Women and Girls around the world to be “the issue of the 21st century”.  For Real?  I mean give me a break, the degradation and subjugation of women all over the world for centuries makes this an issue for all centuries.  Atrocities committed against women and girls around the world and specifically in the country that I reside are enough to make us all sick.  How on earth did it get this bad?  We have always had female leaders and yet no one has thought to make the Women and Girls Crusade a significant part of the agenda. 

Here in American I watch the television almost every night and see the faces of women and girls gone missing in this country without a trace.  Many of them murdered at the hands of husbands or lovers and some of them raped and tortured for sport.  Rap music that promote the idea that women and girls are nothing but breast, vagina’s, buttocks, and legs to be used for sex at any given moment.  Six month old baby girls raped repeatedly by fathers and uncles.  Regardless of the accomplishments of the Women’s Movement here in the good ole USA, American women are still suffering at the hands of patriarchy and sexism in very significant ways.  We may not have to wear burkas in the public and we may still be allowed an education…but misogyny is very much a part of our daily lives.

I am worried about women and girls in the US, because somehow it is believed that the sexism and patriarchy are no longer issues in our lives.  But just like racism was suppose to end with the enactment of the Civil Rights Bill, the Women Movement wasn’t equipped to deal with 21st century women’s issues.   The first step to complete subjugation and enslavement is to have certain actions ignored or normalized in the minds of the victims and perpetrators.  When you continually see yourself being abused, neglected, raped, murdered, and maligned eventually you accept that as “just the way it is” and begin to feel powerless to change the situation.  There have been  several egregious acts committed against women of color in the media in recent years and the silence was deafening.  Where is the love?

I agree that Women and Girls Rights is the issue of the 21st century…my question is why did it take so long?

BlackGurls Rock!

The more I think about it the more I know for sure that African American women and girls are phenomenal!  We have been raped, enslaved, sold on the auction block, denigrated, misinterpreted, maligned, and castigated by white men & women, black men & women and every other race and gender in between.  Yet we manage to get up everyday and conquer our worlds.  How?  What is it about this group that allows it to flourish in spite of the deck stack against us?  Its a strength and tenacity that seems to be a part of our genetic makeup!  I applaud every African American woman who stands in the face of such adversity and creates a life for herself untarnished by what the world continues to say about her.