Single Motherhood: The Exception… Not The Rule

Last week I held a workshop for parents at a local elementary school in Chicago.  The workshop was about building and maintaining the self-esteem of African-American girls based on my new book “12 Ways to Improve the Self-Esteem of African-American Girls”.  The book was written to offer advice to parents, teachers, school administrators, or anyone who has direct regular contact with young women, on ways to increase  their self-esteem.  This particular workshop was attended entirely by single moms.  I have to say that after the conversation I realized why many girls suffer from low self-esteem…they are being raised by women who have low self-esteem.  Single motherhood is taking a serious toll on many African-American women, leaving their children very vulnerable to many societal ills.

Single motherhood is a huge issue in the African-American community.  According to the U.S. Census Bureau 60% of African-American households are headed by single women.  Sixty percent of households headed by a single African-American woman…WTF?  That means that the emotional, mental, spiritual, financial, educational, and physical needs of millions of African-American children fall on the shoulders of one person.  What an incredible responsibility for one person to bear.  What happens to the spirits and souls of women who have such an incredible amount of responsibility, who often have limited resources?

I have witnessed many a young black woman with several children in tow, looking all kinds of stressed, depressed, and tired.  I have taught many parenting classes over the years attended by nothing but single moms.  Some of these women in their 20’s with 3 or more children by different men.  I often ask myself if you already were having a tough time with one, why have three?  Many times I have seen these moms lose it and subject their children to physical, emotional, and verbal abuse.   I don’t know if they are doing this because they are mean and evil people, or that they are frustrated and tired…and at that point their kids become easy targets.  If you are single, poor, undereducated, living in urban America surrounded by violence on a daily basis, your fuse might be a little short. 

There are many single moms who are doing an outstanding job.   They either let the pregnancy motivate them to achieve or their single motherhood was brought on by divorce and they decided to make the most of  a difficult situation.  Some of these women have access to more resources that lower-income women may not.  Either way they are great mothers raising phenomenal children.  Many of these women have a “village” helping raise their children, including  positive males.  But even these women will tell you that single motherhood is not an optimal circumstance.

Single motherhood in and of itself is not a bad thing…but it shouldn’t be the rule.  Children need both of their parents and while I realize that sometimes this is not possible, it should be the goal.  Ladies stop having babies by every man you meet…for that matter stop having sex with every man you meet.  I have met countless young women who had sex with men and didn’t even know their last names, where they resided, or how he liked his eggs.  If you don’t know the answers to these questions, why on earth are you having sex or kids with him.

Single motherhood has been normalized and accepted on certain class tiers in our communities.  The interesting thing is that those class tiers have the least resources and the most liabilities to offer the children.  We all know that most children being raised by single moms without resources have increased chances of educational, emotional, and mental difficulties.  It has been found through varied research that children in single-parent homes generally fare worse than those homes with two parents.  And while this is not always the case, it is more often than not.

Problems found in the single-parent households may not be because of the parent who raised these children, but can be linked to other things that are also related to single parenting. It has been pointed out that when there is only one parent, the family is often less well off financially and this is the main reason for so many family problems. Reports show that the effects of coming from a low-income family can include things like lower education levels, lower economic achievement and can result in leaving the child feeling isolated and lonely. Being a single parent and struggling for money often coincide. It is also true that children of one-parent households are generally less supervised, their actions are less monitored and there is usually less communication between the child and parent. It would appear that being a part of a single-parent household indicates a negative family environment.

Children benefit from the balance of two involved parents.  I am not going to advocate for or against marriage here, I am advocating for the love and support of the two people who created the children.  Ladies let’s make better choices and create situations where children can thrive and function at their highest levels. If you are a single mom please realize the importance of self-care.  You cannot care for others without first caring for yourself.  Seek out a “village” that includes positive males to influence the lives of your children.  If you already have one or two children, please consider the consequences of having anymore as a single parent.  Invest in a birth control method or abstinence to prevent making your life more difficult.  Single motherhood should be the exception and not the rule!

Lisa Butler is the Founder and President of BlackGurl Inc. a consulting company dedicated to the empowerment of African American women and girls.  BlackGurl Inc. employs workshops, seminars, and group support services to empower the lives of young women.  Lisa is also the author of 12 Ways To Improve the Self Esteem Of African American Girls Right Now!  Go now to www.blackgurlinc.com/ or follow us on twitter